Sunshine and light

Hi there everyone in blog-land!  Heres another update on how things are going.  I started this blog sending the link out to about eight close friends because it was so hard on Andrew having to repeat to everyone how things are going - but somehow its got bigger than that.  I have had some lovely emails from other cancer patients who have found it inspirational which is great, but I thought perhaps I should balance it out with a dose of reality - its not all sunshine and light.  Everyone has their down days and Ive had a really down week this week.

The good news is:

• My bloods came back all ok again, white cells are good, red cells are even up, and liver function is ok.
• The pain in my side turned out to be muscular, who knew I had muscles in my abdomen! So theres one less thing to obsess about.
• Dr Dimwit didnt know anything about sirspheres, even though my hospital is an accredited provider.  So I rang Sirtex and they told me who he has to refer me to - within the hospitals own radiology department of course.  So I dont have to have the spheres in Sydney which makes it a lot cheaper, and also my private health might cover some of it.  So with the quiz night and the Ellabella Prints auction I should have enough money to pay for the treatment.  Thankyou so much to my wonderful friends for supporting us in this way and for all the lovely meals, helping to take the pressure off.
• The quiz night is set for August 13th!!!  I can't work out how to attach the invite to my blog  but if you are interested in coming, drop me an email and I'll send on the invitation.  Someone told me not to put the @ sign in my address to avoid being spammed, so its jfischer at kern.com.au - replace the 'at' with '@'.  Im sure you get it!

The soso news is:

• My CEA cancer markers were tested for the 2nd time so they can be compared - originally they were 42, and they have stayed at 42.    CEA is a protein that cancer cells release into the blood, the higher the result the more active the cancer.  I was devastated that they hadnt gone down and burst into tears, but the Dr reassured me that without the chemo they would have been three times as high, and it shows that the chemo is holding the cancer at bay... there is still time for the numbers to drop.  Wont know whats really going on until I get rescanned in a month.  I need a miraculous result from this chemo so will keep going with my healthy diet, juicing and supplements. I lashed out on a piece of carrot cake this week, yummo- have been dreaming about iced coffee and vanilla slices!

And the bad news is:

• Tests showed that I dont have the KRAS gene mutation so Erbitux wont work for me.  I was pinning a lot of hope on this drug as it has had such positive outcomes, so yet again more tears for me.  Spent the whole day in chemo being a big fat sook.  Actually Im a skinny sook now, woohoo!

I didnt do much to help myself I have to say.  On the way back to the car I walked past a jewellry shop with a half price sale and bought Izzy a necklace for her 21st in case Im not here to give it to her.  How do you write a letter saying goodbye to your kids?  If you can imagine it then you are part way to understanding what a bad day is like.  Dont get me wrong, I am just as determined to beat this as ever.  But a good project planner always has a risk management plan and thats what Im doing.  Just covering all the bases, and when Ive finished writing these letters I can put them away and forget about them - just one more thing to cross off my list.  So Im sorry to be not so inspirational this week, but I think its important that other cancer patients dont think I have some freakish ability to only think positively - my advice to you is dont google survival rates, they are based on averages and we are NOT average!  Thinking positive takes hard work and perseverance.  Only google survivor stories for inspiration and ignore the rest.   End of lecture, over and out!